Recently I had an opportunity to go on a blind date. We texted a bit for a couple weeks and then we kinda decided to go see the last Twilight movie together. I know, right? And he volunteered for this? Well, I was kinda giddy, you know? We were texting at one in the morning and I felt so good. And then we said good-night.
I hate that. I hate that hour or so when I'm trying to fall asleep and my brain won't shut up. Sometimes it lets my imagination run wild with plot ideas and plans of the future. And sometimes it turns into a bully. That night it broke me down. It's so easy to play at confidence and being flirty through a text, but face to face? Real life? When he saw me...I knew what his reaction would be. Disappointment. He would be polite. I would be shy. We wouldn't know what to talk about. At the end of the night we'd say good-bye. And he would run.
Nobody can make me cry like my own brain.
I didn't go. I blew him off. And he was angry. And I felt bad, and dumb, and pathetic. I couldn't face him. I'm a coward. I'm scared. I'm scared of making someone miserable because they're too nice to just get away. I'm scared that I'm never going to have the confidence it takes to put myself out there because I don't have the self-discipline I need to change. To get better. I'm scared of rejection because I know there will be plenty. I'm scared that I will always be this way.
Ashley is the only one who knows about this. I shouldn't be putting this on here but I just needed to write.
I'm ashamed of myself. This person that I am who never says the right thing and can't stick to a diet to save her life. This girl who barely passes classes and is always tired. This girl who is not good enough, recognizes that fact and yet, still does not work hard on changing.
A song from Wicked has become my personal mantra. I have yet to actually see Wicked but I have the soundtrack memorized. 'I'm Not That Girl'
Sometimes I think, 'Dang it would be nice to have a guy.' But then I realize I am no where near the person I want to be. And Prince Charming doesn't go for just anybody. I have a lot of work to do. I'm not a kind of person that I would want to fall in love with. Why would anyone else?
I'm trying to be somebody, I'm not trying to be somebody else.
I have these dreams. Big dreams. And I want them. Day-dream about them and fantasize. But what do I do to actually achieve them? Nothing. What am I doing? What could I be doing right now?
Trying.
