According to the Grades

It seems that every person I bump into has an instant interest in my education. 'What are you majoring in?' 'Which university are you transferring to?' 'What are you doing at Snow still? Isn't that a two-year?'
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know, yes.
Even the cashier at Kents'!
Cashier: So you done with finals?
Me: Yep. (because she is a total stranger and what does it harm letting her believe whatever? Easier than explaining my real situation)
Cashier: Aren't you headed home soon then? You might not want to buy all this food.
Me: (are you calling me a pig for buying junk food for my girls' night?) Oh, I live here.
Cashier: (much too enthusiastically) You do! Oh, well why don't I recognize you? What year did you graduate from Manti?
Me: (reluctantly) 2009.
Cashier: Ok...so I was a freshman when you were a senior...ok...Wait, and you're still at Snow?!
Me: Yep. But I took some time off to go work in Alaska.
Cashier: Oh, ok, I would die if I had been here that long!
Me: (give me my freaking groceries already!) Yep.

Yes I know, a 'normal', good human being would be graduated by now, not just from Snow but from a 'real' school with a 'real' degree. I KNOW.

But guess what? I'M NOT A NORMAL GOOD HUMAN BEING. At least not when it comes to school. Not that we've established that can we move on from making me feel guilty and inferior for not having my life in order according to your specifications? Thank you.

Ugh. I dislike school. I dislike it a lot.

So here I am trying to buckle down and just pick something I can tolerate so I can finish and get a degree so I won't be a complete and utter failure/disappointment to my family/disgrace to young adults everywhere/unproductive, good-for-nothing, waste of space.

Well what matters more than your grades? Nothing according to Universities you want to get into. So I decided that I will make a list of the classes I did the best in and pick a major from that.

My highest grade? An A in both Intro to GIS and Zumba.
Next? A- in Intro to Sociology, English Mechanics and Anthropology.
B+ in Drawing I, General Biology Lab, and Intro to Film.
B in English 2010, Courtship & Marriage, and Elementary Italian I
Then B- in Desktop Publishing, Modern Social Problems, and Elementary Italian II
And it goes down from there.

But what you don't see when you just look at that letter is all that's behind it. Like the A in GIS, the B+ in Bio, and both the Italian grades that would have been much lower if Ash hadn't been in my classes. Sociology, English, and Anthropology were incredibly easy classes. Intro to Film was quizzes on movies you watched in class, Courtship & Marriage worked out because you didn't have to be successful at it outside of class, Desktop Publishing was all follow the textbook step by step. I slipped by in Drawing because I was so bad at the beginning of the class and your grade was based on improvement. And if you showed up 80% of the time to Zumba you got an A.

None of that gives me much hope for my success in any of those fields.

So when people ask what I'm going into or what career I'm aiming for, my answer of 'I don't know' is not an avoidance of the question, not a way of peaking interest, it's the truth. I don't know what I want to do. And that makes it hard to mindlessly take classes just because I should be.

Feels Like

Photo Shoot

If you haven't noticed I don't exactly have self-esteem boiling over in me...but every now and then I actually like the way I look, usually when I have put in the time and effort to actually do my hair and make-up [: Tonight was the first time in quite a while so I took pictures and had fun editing them. They are over-the-top and cheesy and I look pretty 80's...

But everybody needs to feel pretty sometimes.

The State of the {Me} Address

It's been a while.
Well that just got a song in my head....Let me break the ice....

Anyways, I feel like I have a lot to tell, I mean my life isn't that interesting but I've got like 6 months worth of stuff to write about so I might as well. The last time I really wrote I told you all about my plans...

Bon Jovi was absolutely awesome. Completely and utterly perfect. I fell in love with him all over again. And to think it all started with a CD my older sister left behind for me to find. Thanks Ang!

What happened next...hmm...
Oh Spring Break....which will get it's own post. Probably. With pictures. Hopefully.

ALASKA. Oh how I love Skagway. I got there at the end of April, got snowed in in Juneau for a night and took the ferry to Skagway in the morning. It was choppy and the waves crashed up over the boat. I love the ferry! I mean I love the ocean and the scenery and the ferry is perfect for enjoying that. Life at the Kone House was great, we all got along really well (almost always) we made it through a tragedy or 2 and really became a family fast. Most of the time it was 6 or 7 girls to 1 or 2 boys in the house. Definitely a different atmosphere than last year. I loved my roomies! More on them later...maybe...

Mom and Dad came to visit this year! I loved sharing everything I loved about Skagway with them. I wish everybody had the chance to go. It rained most of the time they were there, so it was an authentic experience [:

My last Sunday in Skagway was a fast and testimony meeting. We had had some stuff go down at the house that week that had made it back to the Branch Pres. (small, small town plus he is also the boss at RadioShack where half of us worked so ya) and when he bore his testimony he talked about how some people in the branch were struggling and how sad that made him, he was almost in tears and you could just feel how much he cared about all of us and wanted us to be happy and good. I, as you know, am a crier and it was too much for me. I wept like a baby. And then the rest of the testimonies were all about how they were headed home and such and I just kept crying and crying. I'm sure I had no mascara left by the third speaker. I had 3 roomies with me that day: Elle, Erika, and Austin. Austin had to leave in the middle of Sacrament meeting to go to work. He sent us each a text while he was walking to work and while we were waiting for Sunday School to start Erika handed me her phone so I could read it. We had just gotten me to stop crying and laugh instead but once I started reading the text the tears started all over again. I saved that text, I read every now and then when I need to feel better. I guess I'll share it here:

Dear Chrissi, Elle, and Erika

I just wanted to say I love the three of you

very, very much and that I look up to the three

of you as well. You all come from different 

walks of life, but you all three have something 

in common. And that's that you know our Father

in Heaven is real, and our brother Jesus Christ

bled and died for our sins. I look up to the three

of you for never letting go of that fact even though 

your trials are so hard! You are the strongest girls

that I have ever had the opportunity of meeting

and I am extremely grateful for that. Thank you

for lifting me up and always making me want to

do better! Thank you for keeping me safe.

Love, your new little brother

Austin [:

Now who wouldn't cry having read that from their little brother? He is going to be an awesome missionary. I can't wait to go to his Farewell this weekend. Anyways Erika had to go find me some tissues cause I was flooding again. It was really hard to leave this time.

I got home in time for the Family Swim party at Gordons' (barely more flight troubles) I love that party. In the next week I got to do a lot of hanging out with Kim and the kids and Ashley. I missed them tons. Luckily Kirk did not forget my name [: 

Then life got a little stressful. I had everything planned out: I came back in time for fall semester so I could finish my associates real quick (just 3 classes left!) and then I'd be free to go back to Skagway in March (they asked me too) and I was really, really excited. It was perfect. Then I could get in a lot of money-making and go to USU the next fall. Well that all fell apart. I couldn't get into my classes, ended up having to pay $600 dollars for the online class I had taken over the summer and wasn't going to get free tuition anymore. So. Fall semester turned into just working at the Malt Shop. And I will be taking those classes in Spring, which means no Skagway in March. Possibly no Skagway at all. Ugh. School. Ugh.

So as of now, I flip burgers and in my spare time hang out with Kim and the kids a lot (which I love) and occasionally see Ash, (she has a boyfriend and works 2 jobs so that's not often). So I'm trying to finish one of the 7 novels I have started writing in the past few years...oh and I am getting carpel-tunnel from work (pathetic I know) and it hurts like the dickens sometimes so that kind of puts a damper on writing and also the painting I'm trying to do.

Oh and I donated my hair. So its short now.

So I guess the 'State of Me' is I'm not really doing anything. Ever. So if you need a babysitter....

I'm here.

One Of Those Days

Mom said there'd be days like this. Even in Australia. Or in my case, Alaska.

I haven't written in months. Not that I haven't wanted to, there's been tons of stuff to write about, I've just been busy.

But it's one of those days. And I need to write.

Mother Nature of course has been messing with my emotions hardcore the past week, but today has been hard. I've just felt so alone. Not the kind of alone that just being around people can fix. The 'I'm going to die alone' kind. Half the day I've been fighting back tears, and I just want to talk to someone who really knows me, who I know well enough to tell all this to. Hence the blog.

I've been feeling really down on myself lately. I just keep messing up.

I really just need to go to bed, get a lot of sleep, and go to as much Church tomorrow as I can before I have to go to work.

Sometimes I wish someone could just feel exactly how I feel, just for a moment, so they could understand and tell me what to do.

Slacker

Ugh. I haven't posted in forever. And there's so much I want to write about! It's currently 1:30 in the morning, and I have to work tomorrow, so I'm not gonna write much now. I'm just too angry to sleep. Which doesn't happen often. Or ever. I just keep thinking of more and more things I would like to say to a certain friend of mine. It's all things I will never say, but I can't help but imagine telling her exactly what I think about what she did. I want to make her cry. This is really not like me. Oh and she's nobody you know. Unless you happen to live in Skagway, then probably you've met.

Not dwelling.

I need to post about BON JOVI! and a desert roadtrip and the last month and a half in Alaska...but I seriously need to sleep and it's starting to get cooler. I'm starting to cool off too, I guess. I just needed to write, I'll say more, maybe, sometime...

Oh and yes, I'm in Alaska, and yes it is too hot! We've been having a heat wave. It got up to 80 degrees today. I know, I know. It's hotter down south, but we are melting! Where's my rain? I need rain!

Ok I'm gonna try and sleep now. If any of you read this and want to know why I'm so mad, just ask. I'd love to vent.

Plans

     I'M GOING TO BON JOVI!!!!!!!
Yep. Friendless, loner me finally found someone who likes Bon Jovi enough to go to the concert with me! (I was seriously getting a little worried I'd end up going alone and get lost in SLC and get in a car wreck and miss the whole thing and die crying.) Thank you Liz! I cannot wait. I am going to rock my heart out, get high on his voice, and spend entirely too much money on ridiculous keepsakes.

I am so serious. Going to a Bon Jovi concert is on my Bucket List, and he ain't getting any younger. Gotta live while you're alive, right?

I've actually been making quite a few plans lately. I know, amazing. Like a few days ago Ash and I decided that we are going on a roadtrip tomorrow. It's Spring Break, we didn't have any plans, we kinda have a car; it's meant to be. What's the plan? Well we are leaving at 6 tomorrow morning (Ash is so driving then, I plan on not actually waking up, just sleep-walking to the car) and going somewhere so exciting. Can you smell the sarcasm? But actually I really am excited, mostly because I just really like roadtrips and Ash has good taste in music and the car has a CD player. But ya, it'll be fun. 843 miles in less than 2 days (Ash has to get back for work the next day) If we survive I will tell you all about it. We're basically just hitting some random tourist spots that are not that far away but we have for some reason never been to. (isn't it funny how I've been to Mexico, Hawaii, Alaska...but I've never been to the Grand Canyon? Or Yellowstone? eh.) Oh and we aren't going to either of those. Think lesser. Like Mesa Verde and Four Corners. Ya, now you're laughing at me for being so excited. Go ahead. Next month I'm moving back to Alaska, so HA.

Oh and that's the next plan. I'm moving back to Skagway at the end of April. Same job and house as last summer. Some new people, a couple I know from before. I'm not staying as long as last time though, I'm coming back in time for fall semester. (My Mother seems to think I need something called an 'education'...?) Which brings us to the next plans...

I just registered for fall semester, the 3 generals I still need for my Associates of Arts and I threw Interior Design in there for kicks and giggles, and something else I can't remember. I hate it how you have to register so far ahead. I mean seriously? Do you know how many times I am going to change my mind about the direction of my life in-between now and then? I mean right now Interior Design sounds kind of interesting, but by then I might be like, "Colors? Houses? What the...Why?" Mom's just crossing her fingers that I actually graduate soon. (I think she's getting ready to disown me if I take much longer to get just an Associates...should we test it?)

Anyways, I'll be back here in August. And I'm just so glad I won't have to miss that best-of-summer-in-the-desert-month. So glad.

So now I just need to plan in some plans that let me hang out with the people I'm going to miss this summer before I go.

I guess as long as you're still making plans you're still alive right? And planning fun things isn't bad at all.

In the sea of monotony you just gotta keep an eye out for that one slick airbus that comes around occasionally.

You Are A Daffodil

   
      A year or so ago, well make that 2 years? Eh, something like that, I was asked to give the lesson in Relief Society in my student ward. We had 9:00 church and Relief Society was first and our ward was very small, which means a very small class to teach. I had taught a couple times before and only had 4 girls show up so it wasn't too nerve racking. This time I got to choose my own subject. I thought about what I needed to teach and it wasn't long before I came up with Self-Worth. Only a couple months before when I was visiting my home ward they had had a really good lesson on being happy with yourself/seeing yourself as God sees you/not comparing your faults to others' strengths and so on. This subject is touched upon in R.S. often, but the thing is it seems to only ever come from the R.S. President or some other woman, who, to us on the outside, seems to have no faults whatsoever and always be sunny and cheerful, skinny and gorgeous, perfect loving husband and children, etc. etc. And I know that each and every one of us struggles with self-esteem and confidence no matter the outward appearance, but I thought that it might mean more if the teacher of this most needed subject was a little less perfect, a little less skinny and perfectly made-up, a little less confident. A little more like me.

     So, I researched and studied for a month to prepare my lesson. I was nervous, of course, but also excited because I felt I had put together a pretty good lesson. I made cutesy hand-outs of my favorite quotes I'd discovered and brought them in a little basket for passing around. I was ready. I got to church and as usual there were only 2 or 3 people in the classroom, which was fine by me, but then Bishop decided with so few people we might as well combine classes...so in file the brethren...at least 25 of them. Then we got to decide who was teaching the lesson...there was absolutely no way in heck I was gonna stand up in front of a bunch of guys and teach a very female minded lesson on self-worth and esteem. No way. So I sat there in that little room with all those men and never gave my lesson. And I know that the biggest reason why I planned it was for me. I needed to hear those messages.

     I never got a chance to give that lesson and I've always kind of regretted it, so I've decided to share it with you. It can't help anyone sitting in a folder. So here it is:

Base Your Self-Worth On God's Love

This is something I have struggled with often and I'm sure some, if not all, of you have too, at some time or another. A great resource to me has been a talk given in October 2005 by Jeffrey R. Holland entitled 'To Young Women.' He takes the time to remind us to be women of Christ and that the world needs us. 

He says:

"First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him. Because of this divine heritage you, along with all of your spiritual sisters and brothers, have full equality in His sight..."

To have a real knowledge of our personal worth we must understand fully and never forget that we are His. God loves us. Individually. Unconditionally. Completely.

Elder Holland continues:

"In this same vein may I address an even more sensitive subject. I plead with you young women to please be more accepting of yourselves, including your body shape and style, with a little less longing to look like someone else. We are all different. Some are tall, and some are short. Some are round, and some are thin. And almost everyone at some time or other wants to be something they are not! But as one adviser to teenage girls said: 'You can't live your life worrying that the world is staring at you. When you let people's opinions make you self-conscious you give away your power. ...The key to feeling [confident] is to always listen to your inner self--[the real you.]' And in the kingdom of God, the real you is 'more precious than rubies.' Every young woman is a child of destiny and every adult woman a powerful force for good.

...Frankly, the world has been brutal with you in this regard. You are bombarded in movies, television, fashion magazines, and advertisements with the message that looks are everything! The pitch is, 'If your looks are good enough, your life will be glamorous and you will be happy and popular.' That kind of pressure is immense in the teenage years, to say nothing of later womanhood. ...One would truly need a great and spacious makeup kit to compete with beauty as portrayed in media all around us. ...A woman not of our faith once wrote something to the effect that in her years of working with beautiful women she had seen several things they all had in common, and not one of them had anything to do with sizes and shapes. She said the loveliest women she had known had a glow of health, a warm personality, a love of learning, stability of character, and integrity. If we may add the sweet and gentle Spirit of the Lord carried by such a woman, then this describes the loveliness of women in any age or time, every element of which is emphasized in and attainable through the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ."

The key to feeling good about yourself and being happy is focusing on these traits, the ones that are always within your reach. The world's views are fickle, always changing, and you can never reach them. But, 'God looketh on the heart.'

Why should we strive to make God's Love the foundation of our personal worth?

God's Love is:
Constant
Unconditional
Pure
Without Bounds
Endless
Given to Each of Us Equally

The World's Love is:
Fickle
Ever-Changing
Temporary
Incomplete
Fake
Lustful
Shallow


Jeffrey C. Jacob wrote an article in the January 1991 Ensign called 'Why Aren't I Happy?' He wrote this article when I was not even a year old, yet it seems to have been written for me. Jacob addresses losing and finding personal worth. He writes:

"While I have observed a close connection between living the gospel in its fullness and feeling a sense of personal worth, I also recognize that losing and then trying to regain self-esteem is a universal human problem. As infants, most of us experience unconditional love from our parents. But as we gain the capacity for independent action, we intrude into the world of our elders--and almost inevitably encounter 'conditional goodwill.' We find that if we behave 'properly' (learn to use the bathroom, get along with siblings, and keep a tidy room), our original sense of acceptance is reconfirmed. At the same time, we learn that if our behavior or our temperament does not match what is expected of us, we receive disapproval and reprimands. These cause us to lose our unquestioned sense of personal worth.

...This seemingly inevitable loss of at least part of our self-esteem can be intensified during our school years. Only a few of us measure up to all our school's academic and behavioral standards. Our successes  fortify us, but the failures, inconsequential as well as critical ones, continue to undermine our struggle to attain a positive self-image. Adolescence both relieves and compounds the problem: sports and the arts provide additional creative outlets, but peer pressure lends approval to only a narrow range of talent--leaving many youth feeling inadequate.

...One of the central tasks of young adulthood is to rebuild the sense of self-worth we felt as young children. Unfortunately, many of our efforts to rebuild self-esteem follow the world's criteria instead of gospel principles, so they ultimately fail, leaving us feeling even more insecure.

...The gospel offers help to those who feel trapped by personal inadequacy and the day-to-day problems of living in harmony with the Spirit of the Lord. ...Many think that the Lord has rejected them because of their doubts and fears and that he cannot fully accept them since they have yet to conquer their problems.

...As I have witnessed fellow ward members passing through the anguish of both imagined and real separation from God, I have come to believe that they are transferring the conditional approval they have become so accustomed to in this world to the character of our Father in Heaven.

...Many of us feel alone as we attempt to overcome life's small frustrations and major disappointments. Of course, most of us can say that we know God loves his children. We can bear testimony to the principles of the gospel and the inspiration of our leaders. Yet it seems most difficult to feel that the Lord loves us personally and profoundly and that he acts upon that love to bless us, even in the seemingly insignificant details of our lives. But if we knew that he does, wouldn't our self-esteem blossom? Wouldn't we find this love to be a powerful motivator to help us overcome the weaknesses that trouble us?"

"How can we come to be filled with the self-esteem that  follows a testimony that our Father loves each of us in a profound, personal way?"

Jacob lists three simple, but essential, steps in the process of making the Lord and His love the basis of your sense of worth and self-evaluation.

1. Prayer. Pray for the gift of God's love in your life. Kneel before your Heavenly Father in sincere prayer and directly but humbly ask Him to let you know that He knows and cares about you.

2. Scripture Study. Carefully and prayerfully search the scriptures for manifestations of Heavenly Father's love. Read not to meet a schedule or master a set of principles, read to see God's compassion in action. As you draw nearer to God through His love, your burdens will lighten and temptations fade.

3. Self-Reflection. Jacob states: "Still, for some, the words 'My Savior loves me and has suffered for my sins and weaknesses' remain empty because they do not yet feel that God loves them personally. ...I find it helpful to ask that they examine their lives closely to see if they can find in them the influence of a loving Father. Remarkably, even the most frustrated and desperate are able to see the hand of the Lord in their lives. They see how Heavenly Father has nurtured them along their life's journey toward peace and forgiveness."

Jacob leaves us with this:

"When we start to discover the Christ-centered roots of self-worth, we begin to see a more complete picture of our Heavenly Father. If we continually transfer the world's penchant for conditional acceptance to the character of God, we are likely to overemphasize his justice, missing his tender mercy altogether. The justice of God will condemn us in our sins and imperfections, but if we see only this side of our Father in Heaven's personality, we will find it difficult to break the cycles of low self-esteem and despair. On the other hand, if we balance God's justice with his mercy and pure love, we can start to claim what has always been our divine inheritance: the firm confidence that we are of worth and are watched over with care.

...When a person gains this insight and renews it daily through study and prayer, he or she can experience a dramatic change of perspective. Circumstances may not change appreciably, but the ability to cope with the frustrations and disappointments of everyday life and to endure to the end becomes significantly enlarged. By asking Heavenly Father for the sustaining power of his love, a person can regain the sense of heavenly self-worth that inevitably fades through mortal experience."


God's Love is louder than Doubt, Failures, Uncertainty, Depression.
God's Love is louder than the World's roar.
Just listen.


As the snow thaws and the trees start to bud, I can't help but think of Daffodils. Daffodils are one of my favorite flowers. They aren't classy like a red Rose or particularly timeless like the Daisy. They are bright, cheerful, spunky, and hardy. They are the first to push up through the frozen ground. They get snowed on, picked on by hungry animals, and frost bitten. But, they continue to grow. It's in their nature, their DNA. It's just what they do. Well who are we? What's in our nature? Where does our 'DNA' come from? Are we not children of God?

I believe that we can survive and grow through any trial that comes our way. We can live our lives with the confidence that we are children of God, a Heavenly Father who loves and cares for each of us individually. If we can just base our sense of personal worth on God's pure love, every day will be brighter, the Spring will come, and we will blossom more beautifully than we could have ever imagined.

*Both of the quoted articles can be found in their entirety at lds.org*

   

When Tomorrow Comes

     Do you hear the people sing? Who does not love Les Mis?! Well Ash and I for sure do :) And we're pretty dorky, you know, so this is what we made before watching our new Les Miserables DVD tonight:

To the Barricades!

     Why yes that would be Enjolras waving his French flag atop a marshmallow popcorn barricade. Told you we are dorks. I am even dorkier, I thought we should make red crepes and calzones for dinner. You are thinking, Calzones? Not French. That may be, but they are the exact shape of Javert's hat :) Totally on theme.

      What is it about Les Mis that reaches so many people? It's about a bunch of miserable people, most of whom die within the length of the musical. There is so much truth in it. The characters are so real. And the music, oh the music. The music conveys each emotion in so much more depth than just words. That is how it touches us.

     Ash and I grew up on the music, we had the highlights CD from the Broadway cast and also watched the performance highlights movie. We fell in love with Enjolras and lived every heart-wrenching moment with Eponine. We made fun of Marius together and wrote off Cosette as the spoiled pampered girl, not near as cool  as the tough, take-care-of-herself Eponine. The first time we got to see the actual musical it was a high school production, abridged with an awful orchestra and amazing leads. After a bit you learned to tune out the screeching strings and horribly off-key brass section and focus only on the vocals. It was incredible. Then this past fall we got to see it real, at SUU. Wow. And now the movie.

     If you're not planning on watching the movie at least watch the scene where Marius sings 'Empty Chairs at Empty Tables'. Marius is that character that's easy to make fun of. He falls in love at first sight, sings cheesily about love while his comrades prepare for the fight and is a rich schoolboy. Fickle Marius, no one cares about your lonely soul. But then he changes, the fight at the barricade makes him grow up, sobers him. When he stands there, where their plans began, and sings about his fallen friends, asking their forgiveness for not dying with them...that scene is incredible. For a moment he looks directly into the camera, tears in his eyes, and sings right to you. Not only is the actor incredible but the filming too. Usually actors avoid looking straight at the camera, it acknowledges the presence of the equipment and therefore breaks the illusion that what's going on the scene is not staged, it's really happening. This time, however, that brave gaze only adds to the emotion, pulling the audience right into his world. His tear-filled eyes don't gaze in your general direction or look through you, he sees you. You become one of the fallen he sings to. Marius asks your forgiveness. The emotion in this simple scene, one room with one man, is incredible.

     It's obvious I've only taken one film class but it has made me notice more. Especially camera angles and I love how they utilize every angle in this movie. Everything about it adds to the emotion. The movie is beautifully done. Some of the actors are better than others but overall I thought they were all good. I see many, many viewings of this movie in my future. And more posts as well. You heard from the artsy side of me this time, the next the sociology major may take over.  

'Will you join in our crusade?

Who will be strong and stand with me?

Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you want to see?

Do you hear the people sing?

Do you hear the distant drums?

It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes!'

The Earth Without Art is Just 'Eh'

I have discovered Marcia Baldwin. She's amazing. I spent about an hour looking at her paintings on her blog. Check it out:
mbaldwinfineart.blogspot.com

She makes me want to draw and paint again. Her use of colors is amazing, especially with the blue roans.  I love it.

My Music

     So I've been on a Bon Jovi kick lately. I know, what's new? Right. Well I bought a bunch of new songs this morning and have been listening to them ever since. I now have almost four and a half hours of absolutely awesome Bon Jovi on my computer. That's 58 songs. Oh I love you Bon Jovi! They're coming to SLC in April and I want to go so flipping bad! AH! I even have the money for it right now! YAY! Except...who will go with me? Problem. Ashley is not a huge fan plus she is broke. Ang is in freaking Texas. Any fans I don't know of out there? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?.... I have actually contemplated going alone...ha. As fun as that sounds, if I wasn't such a country girl and scared of the city I just might. It's just I don't know when I will get another chance! I mean Bon Jovi is on my Bucket List! Along with Kenny Chesney, and now Chris Young (because I am going to marry him of course) I have to go! Yikes. This is why I need a rich friend who shares my good taste in music, so we can go to all these awesome concerts! Don't worry, I'm not giving up. I'll let you know if I go, believe me.

     Back to my music...My over 4 hours of Bon Jovi made me curious...? Do I have more of someone else? Who comes in second? I know my music taste is pretty darn random but lets see...

     The winner is...(drum roll)
          Kenny Chesney with 5.2 hours, 79 songs! Whew...I had no idea.
   
     The next highest? Here they are in order:
          #2-Bon Jovi--4.4 hours, 58 songs
          #3-Brad Paisley--4.1 hours, 66 songs
          #4-Kelly Clarkson--4 hours, 65 songs
          #5-3 Doors Down--3.5 hours, 58 songs
          #6-Nickelback--3.4 hours, 55 songs
          #7-Carrie Underwood--3.4 hours, 53 songs
          #8-Linkin Park--3.3 hours, 61 songs
          #9-Tim McGraw--3.1 hours, 48 songs
          #10-Avril Lavigne--3 hours, 51 songs
          #11-Taylor Swift--3 hours, 48 songs

     You didn't believe me before when I said I have the randomest music taste, did you? Now you do. I had to force myself to be completely honest. I know some of you think less of me now...I had no idea I had so many T.Swift songs! But I've out-grown her. Mostly. And then there's Avril... Oh I love her and I don't care who knows it! The Linkin Park is from a stage Ash and I went through, but its still awesome on occasion. Well, it's all random and I love it! haha :)

     Where does my future husband rank?
         Chris Young--1.7 hours, 31 songs
     You need to get going honey, I have all your songs so far :)

P.S. If this made you curious enough to check out your own music I would love to hear who your top artists are!

Alaska? Alaska! Alaska???

Oh Skagway how I love you! And I'm coming back!
I think.
I'm pretty sure but for how long?

First plan:
Head for Alaska at the end of April, Fly to LAX in July for the family Cali trip, drive home with family, have time to get moved, settled, job hunts and such.

Next plan:
Alaska at the end of April, stay until the beginning of August, fly home, job search etc.

Other plan:
Alaska at the end of April, stay, stay, stay... Come home at the end of the season....job hunt, move? etc.


Okay...decisions.

Facts:
It costs about $400 to get to Skagway.
I make $4 more an hour there than anywhere here.
I work full-time there with over-time most weeks (that's time and a half and it adds up quick).
I love Skagway.
Rent is $200 a month.
Food is expensive.
I don't think any of the people I lived with last summer are coming back.
4 and 5 ship days drive you insane.
It's beautiful.
By the end of the season I was so done, but then it lightens up and I didn't want to leave again.
Karla wants me to come back.
If I stay the whole season I can make enough to buy a car and mostly get through one year of University.
I want to go to the family Cali trip.
If I just stay through the beginning of July I can make enough to buy a car and live on til I find another job to get me through.
If I stay the whole season I will be too late to start fall semester.

What to do. Most of me wants to put off school some more...some of me doesn't want to miss out on all of another summer here...All of me thinks I'll do better money-wise going to Alaska.

Have I told you how I hate decisions? Also Ang wants me to come live with her, which sounds awesome and I seriously considered moving out there last month...but I decided I was going back to Alaska so it didn't make sense right now. But maybe after? I really shouldn't put off getting a real degree any longer but what I really want to do is explore. I want to go to Alaska and then maybe Maui or the Caymans with Del Sol, or live with Ang and find a job in Pampa or Amarillo. But then again I hate missing out on family stuff here. Lately I've just been itching to do something fun and not particularly practical. I want my own place and a job I don't hate. I want to fall in love again and come alive. I want to go back to Skagway.

thinking...

If the whole world was blind

how many people would you impress?

-Boonaa Mohammed




.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

Ok...check out the fish!
<----

Cheesy, but kinda awesome.

Ok just been kinda bored today so this is what happened.

Oh and check this out:

tylerknott.com

He writes some of the simplest, most beautiful poems. I could read them all day.

I kinda did.

Love.

Dear Hormones: You Suck, Please Shut Up and Leave Me Alone. Sincerely, Women Everywhere

Warning: The Following Post was/is being written under the influence of slightly crazy hormonal imbalanceness caused by dear Aunt Flow. Read with caution.

You know that song that pops into your head whenever 'girl problems' arise? You know the one right? I can't be the only girl who's(whose? neither one looks right at the moment) mind makes a beeline for...wait for it...Picture Sarah Jessica Parker looking fabulous, being waited on hand and foot and singing:
                   'I Enjoy Being A Girl!'
Freaking liar.

I'm not the only one who gets that picture right? It must have been an add or something, probably for some "super-duper-amazing-tampons-that-make-you-want-to-dance-around-with-a-ridiculous-smile-on-your-fake-painted-face."

Seriously. I'm pretty sure a man wrote that song. Where did it come from anyway? Basically I only know that line...and I always sing it in my head like this:
                    "I Freaking HATE Being A Girl!"
Okay so it's not completely true. I mean what's not to like about being a girl? I mean who doesn't want to bleed for a week every month, cry their eyes out for the week before that, and be bipolar during and a few days after? Sounds like a party!

Hormones are the devil. They are like these little, ity-bity guys sitting in a command center having a freaking dance party on the buttons that control your emotions and laughing manically when you cry for no reason or go from ridiculously happy to irritated with the world in 2.5 seconds. Then when they finally get themselves under control and work out a system, one of them glances at the calendar and says "Hey you guUYSSS!"

Essentially Hormones are immature slightly evil minuscule boys having a nerf-gun war in a bouncy house. Oh and that bouncy house is the command center for your emotions.

Did I hit the nail on the head?

If I get married someday, that poor sucker is gonna have his hands full. If I'm this crazy now?. . .Nobody (that's most definitely including me) wants to see me prego. For reals. I watched Saturday's Warrior on Sunday. Do you know how many times I have seen that movie? No you don't, nobody does because it's like infinity and beyond. I cried 5 times. Not just misty eyes, mind you, Tears running down my cheeks. And I even was trying to mostly pay attention to Pinterest during the sad part. What the Heck.

I have eaten popcorn everyday for the past week. So much for the no junk-food pact.
I went to bed at nine the other night. The last time I looked at the clock it was 5:30.

Being a girl basically sucks.

And then you get back to 'normal' happy-go-luckyness for a couple weeks and totally take it for granted. And it continues.


Okay, I need to stop. I'm being Complain'n Jane.

Who are we? WOMEN!
What do we want? WE DON'T KNOW!
When do we want it? RIGHT NOW!

I've Been Looking For You

This song.

Love.