Thanks

   To all of you out there who have touched my life, shaped and polished, changed and influenced me these last 21 years: Thank you.
   Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me through my indecisiveness, tears, triumphs, quirks, and all-over randomness. I love you all and owe you a lot.

             Thank You

Whirlwind Thoughts and Feelings

I love blogging because I can be myself completely. I can say whatever the crap I want. I can say all those things I think and feel that I can't just say out loud. This post is going to be an out-pouring of all the emotions and strings of thoughts that have been swirling and piling up and threatening to spill over and incapacitate my entire world.
           I feel lost.
 I was told yesterday that I am loved. Loved by my parents. Loved by God.  And I believe it. I know they love me and I love them more than they know.
             The thing is...I don't know that I deserve it.
Why should they love me? Have I done anything to deserve their love? To earn it? Nothing that I can think of.

What can I do
          to earn God's love?

• Love and care for others
• Keep His commandments
• Serve His children
• Serve a mission

         To earn my parents love?

• Excel in College
• Be happy
• Clean my room
• Keep up with my homework
• Marry and have children
• Be someone they can be proud of

The problem is that I cannot find my motivation. It is hiding or has abandoned me completely. I do attend Church every Sunday and I do try to always be kind and caring. But I struggle with some "favorite sins" and the thought of serving a mission scares me to death.

        What if I fail? What if I am not good enough? What if I am horrible at being a missionary? I'm horrible at being a student and even daughter. I don't want to get out there and be that companion that nobody wants. I am such a failure and this is one thing I really don't want to mess up. And I know God would help me because I would be doing his work. But what if? It seems to me that it is better to not try than to try and fail.

College. This semester has been my worst. It is entirely my fault. I stopped going to some classes completely and now only one is worth salvaging. I have no motivation to go to, and do homework from, most of the mandatory classes. And I know it is my fault. That I need to suck it up and just do it all. I am such a quitter and because of my own stupidity I have turned my 'associates of arts' into a 3 year ordeal.

     I cannot find that thing. The thing people are supposed to find in college. That thing that you are good at and you love and you can and want to make a career out of. That thing that makes all this schooling worth it and necessary. I have not found it and I'm discouraged I never will, that I will keep going to college, wasting money on GEs and random electives, never finding that thing that I can take with me into the real world.

          Am I destined to go to work everyday to a job that has no real meaning? No love or enjoyment? No chance to make a difference because I am not particularly good at anything?

And as for the 'love and family of my own' bit....Life is not a chick flick. If I ever find someone out there that loves me then he will be "THE ONE". Some fairy tale.

           If anyone reads this, I'm sorry its not up-beat, cute and funny like girls my age, and therefore their writings, are supposed to be. Sorry I am not everything you all want me to be: happy young adult, hardworking student, spiritual giant, workaholic, social butterfly, genius, flirty, mature, happy-go-lucky, people-pleaser, independent, beautiful, skinny, cheerful, out-going....etc. etc. etc.

          I'm sorry that all I am is moody and lazy, fat, zit-covered, scared, awkward, indecisive, shy, unhappy, unmotivated, messy and so many other things. I try sometimes to be the girl you all "know I can be". But sometimes it is all too much. And then that other thing I am not supposed to be comes to the surface: quitter. I quit it all. I quit trying to be the great and magnificent potential being that is who I am supposed to be. But then all I am is a quitter.

Nobody likes a quitter.

I just want to be myself but I can't find her to let her out. She needs to take over. The real and true me needs to fight her way through all the disappointments and failures, through the lakes of emotions and river rapids of falsehoods. She needs to dispose of this shell, break free and show the world that I am a real person, someone worth knowing and maybe even loving. Someone who knows who she is and where she stands.

I have to find her. I cannot give up. No matter how hard or long. I need her. And she needs me right?

         So why does she hide

Country Music Dreaming

   CMA Awards!!! I love Country Music! Lady Antebellum. Kenny Chesney. Miranda Lambert. Brad Paisley. Carrie Underwood. Kieth Urban. The Band Perry. On and on! I love them <3
       As I watch The Zac Brown Band perform I close my eyes and fantasize...
I'm swaying to their cool blues song to Georgia. I'm there. In the good seats no less. The ManofMyDreams brought me. He is sitting next to me, smiling as I grab his hand. He doesn't get embarrassed when I can't keep the lyrics inside my head and they float through my permanent smile. I can't sit still no matter what. I'm swaying and tapping my foot. He laughs at me softly, amused and happy at how in love I am with it all. I see and hear them in real life. The music washes over, through, around me and pours into my soul. I laugh out loud with the audience at Carrie and Brad's jokes, sit in silent emotion through 'You and Tequila', and cheer for all of them like I know them personally.
       While I'm daydreaming....I get to meet them all. I meet Sugarland, Lady A, and the Perrys. I meet Kenny, give him a kiss on the cheek while trying to hide the fact that I am swooning inside. Reba, my ultimate superwoman role model, gives me a quick hug. And....Chris Young, no wait...isn't he the ManofMyDreams that brought me here? :) We give Tim and Faith a smile and wave from across the aisle. It's amazing. A perfect night.

If Only :)

Reality: I'm sitting here wearing a too-big t-shirt and Star Wars pajama pants, wrapped up in my favorite blanket (ragged green with NFL all over). I'm sitting on the floor in the guest room by myself, out of the way of the rest of the household that doesn't appreciate Country like I do. My hair is a mess falling out of a braid. I'm eating Dad's homemade cherry bread. I'm typing this during the adds. I don't sit still for one minute. I sing along, laugh out loud, cry my eyes out as Martina sings 'Love You Through It.' I traded shifts so I could watch this tonight and I am not disappointed.
    This is Country Music and I love it.

Human/Humane

Humans have a great potential. A huge potential for the greatest good there can be...and also for the ugliest evil. We are the responsible beasts. The ones who do control this Earth. This Earth that is inhabited by billions. What do we let happen?
     "Evil prospers when good men do nothing."
Why are the mean, controlling, hurtful and, yes, even evil people always the ones with enough commitment and bravery to fight for what they want?
   I learned something today in class that got me thinking about the state of the world. The Humane Society focuses on Animal Welfare. They set up shelters for homeless pets, find them loving homes, all because they care about the animals. However, The Humane Society of the United States is a completely different story. Using confusion around their name they bring in millions of donations every year to "support Animal Rights." While their corporate employees live off of good peoples' donations, the HSUS  euthanize thousands of animals to cut costs.
      Right now you are thinking this is nothing compared to the war, starvation, genocide, etc. in the world. Maybe it isn't. But what I see is a company with no morals or ethical value stealing money from people who are only trying to support animal shelters to support their high living in a scheme. I see a company preying on whats left of human decency to make a buck. And I see them being supported.

What I see makes me sick.

What can I do?

What can one person do? I am not rich, I don't have money to throw into the good organizations. I am not famous. I don't have connections to use to bring the bad things into the light where they can be defeated.
     I have no weapons against injustice, crime, war, starvation, genocide, slavery, death. Who does?

But
maybe
I
can
make
a
difference
in
myself.

I don't have to be like them. I can do my best to support love, kindness, tolerance, understanding, selflessness. Can you imagine a world where more people focused on being nice than on what they have to gain?

Imagine.

Maybe I cannot defeat the evils that poke at us all from the dark. Maybe no one can. But I can make sure they take no place in my life. They might touch my life, brush against my existence and make me despair for the world. But I will take no part in anything that hurts someone else. No matter who they are. We are all children of God and deserve better than how we treat each other.

She Said It

   

Everything I Know About the Korean War I Learned From M*A*S*H

     There are 2 weeks left of History class and you have just started learning about World War II...How familiar is that? I literally know nothing about anything that has happened since 1945 because my history classes have never made it that far! It's the truth! The Gulf War has no meaning to me, all I know about Desert Storm is that it has something to do with the Middle East, and Vietnam and Korea have never been explained.
     Ok, so I know that my Grandpa served in Korea and my uncle went to Nam. And I know it must have been really horrible because neither of them ever even wanted to mention their time there at all. Not much else. Sad, huh?
     So, Korea:

• Had mobile hospital units
• Lots of people got hurt
• Chinese & North Koreans=bad guys
• Trapper is cute
• Radar is awesome
• Hawkeye is funny and horny.

Yep. That about sums it up.

Yesterday I Got Older

     21. It seems so old. Like I never really thought I would ever get there. Here. But what's the big deal anyhow? How come it makes me feel so extremely old and sad? Maybe it's because of all the things I haven't done. Seriously, how many girls make it to their 21st birthday without ever having a boyfriend? Without getting out of the VL club? Me.
     But what about all the things I have done? I have been to Mexico and played with a dolphin. I have traveled around O'ahu in a convertible with family. I have ridden horses through the mountains. Camped out at the beach. Oohed and ahhed at Sea World.
      I have had my heart broken, cooked thousands of burgers, been to funerals.
     I have seen love, pain, sadness and joy. I have gotten numberless kisses from nieces and nephews. I have gotten hugs that matter. I have made mistakes. I have cried and laughed with friends. I have prayed my heart out.
     Have I lived?
     Have I made a difference? 21 years gone by and what have I accomplished? I have no degrees. I am not famous. I have not saved a life. But I have lived mine.

     And I will keep on living it. I have to. No matter how lonely or discouraging. There can be no more giving up. This is my life and it is nowhere close to being over. "I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul."

Music=Life

    Ever found a song that just is your life? That is you? It's not that the artist is particularly similar to you or can even understand your situation, but their song can. Music is much more than just music.


    Me in a song:

Taylor Swift's 'Place in this World'

I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do
[Chorus:]
I'm alone, on my own, and that's all I know
I'll be strong, I'll be wrong, oh but life goes on
I'm just a girl, trying to find a place in
This world
Got the radio on, my old blue jeans
And I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve
Feeling lucky today, got the sunshine
Could you tell me what more do I need
And tomorrow's just a mystery, oh yeah
But that's ok
[Repeat Chorus]

    There are songs that make you laugh, cry, think, smile, and just feel. If I was to list all the songs that have affected me in some way or another, I would die before I finished. So here are just a few with my favorite lines from each:

3 Doors Down-'She Don't Want the World'--This song makes me feel. "She tried to show him love/While he would only ask for more/But it's ok, she don't want the world"

Fergie-'Personal'--"I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket But I've gotta get a move on with my life It's time to be a big girl now And big girls don't cry"

Katy Perry-'Thinking of You'--Makes me smile. "You're like an Indian Summer in the middle of winter Like a heart candy with a surprise center"

Lady Antebellum-'I Run to You'--"When lies become the truth That's when I run to you This world keeps spinning faster To a new disaster So I run to you." Listened to this at least twice each night closing the Malt Shop with Chase my first winter there.

There are more and more. From years past and new ones everyday. The music is never-ending.

Epiphany

     Possibilities. Options. My life is just beginning and I can take it any way I want. I could move to Oahu, live on the beach and be a helicopter tour guide. I could stay close to home, settle in a green valley with fields full of beautiful horses. I could wake up to a high-rise view and write columns for a newspaper with thousands of readers. I could find someone to love forever. I could make PB&J's and send children off to the bus with quick kisses. I could live out my life with a dog for company. I could be the greatest aunt. The perfect friend. The loyal sister.
     I don't have to "find myself", I just need to build the person I want to be. Step by step, moment by moment. It's never-ending. Each path gives and takes as it smooths away the rough edges and forces me to hold on to whats really important; what has to survive. The process will not be easy, nor particularly fun at times, but it cannot be avoided. Who I am is shaped by not only my joys and interests, but by the sorrows, the grief, the bad days. They build Me. If I cannot find myself maybe I should stop looking and start living.

Identity Crisis

      It might sound cliche, but I don't think I know who I am. I've always had certain things to fall back on: family, religion, interests. My family is still there but getting further away, my religion is still a big part of my life but it brings its own questions, and I don't know what I really want. I can make a list of facts about me: I like Country music. I have brown hair. I like horseback riding. I'm a sucker for chick flicks. So who does that make me? I have some big "growing up" decisions to make in the next few months and I'm having a hard time with it. It seems that what I choose will make me who I'm going to be. I guess what I can't figure out is who I want that to be.
     I've never been one to just know what I want and go for it. I would much rather let someone else make the decisions. I'm just one to go along for the ride. I can't even figure out what I want without somebody else talking me into it. Do you ever feel that way? Like everything you have been doing is just because it was, or wasn't, expected of you, not because you actually wanted it. But if that is how I have been living then what do I actually want?

One

So...blogging. Well here I am. Chrissi-twenty year old, small town girl. I have been thinking about starting a blog for a while. It's a fun idea and I can tell you this: this will be the most random blog anyone will never read. I like writing. I'm wondering about going into English except wow is English class boring. I guess I don't know what I'll be, or who. It's all about the journey.