To all of you out there who have touched my life, shaped and polished, changed and influenced me these last 21 years: Thank you.
Thanks to all of you who have stuck with me through my indecisiveness, tears, triumphs, quirks, and all-over randomness. I love you all and owe you a lot.
Thank You
Friday, November 25, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Whirlwind Thoughts and Feelings
I love blogging because I can be myself completely. I can say whatever the crap I want. I can say all those things I think and feel that I can't just say out loud. This post is going to be an out-pouring of all the emotions and strings of thoughts that have been swirling and piling up and threatening to spill over and incapacitate my entire world.
I feel lost.
I was told yesterday that I am loved. Loved by my parents. Loved by God. And I believe it. I know they love me and I love them more than they know.
The thing is...I don't know that I deserve it.
Why should they love me? Have I done anything to deserve their love? To earn it? Nothing that I can think of.
What can I do
to earn God's love?
I feel lost.
I was told yesterday that I am loved. Loved by my parents. Loved by God. And I believe it. I know they love me and I love them more than they know.
The thing is...I don't know that I deserve it.
Why should they love me? Have I done anything to deserve their love? To earn it? Nothing that I can think of.
What can I do
to earn God's love?
- Love and care for others
- Keep His commandments
- Serve His children
- Serve a mission
To earn my parents love?
- Excel in College
- Be happy
- Clean my room
- Keep up with my homework
- Marry and have children
- Be someone they can be proud of
The problem is that I cannot find my motivation. It is hiding or has abandoned me completely. I do attend Church every Sunday and I do try to always be kind and caring. But I struggle with some "favorite sins" and the thought of serving a mission scares me to death.
What if I fail? What if I am not good enough? What if I am horrible at being a missionary? I'm horrible at being a student and even daughter. I don't want to get out there and be that companion that nobody wants. I am such a failure and this is one thing I really don't want to mess up. And I know God would help me because I would be doing his work. But what if? It seems to me that it is better to not try than to try and fail.
College. This semester has been my worst. It is entirely my fault. I stopped going to some classes completely and now only one is worth salvaging. I have no motivation to go to, and do homework from, most of the mandatory classes. And I know it is my fault. That I need to suck it up and just do it all. I am such a quitter and because of my own stupidity I have turned my 'associates of arts' into a 3 year ordeal.
I cannot find that thing. The thing people are supposed to find in college. That thing that you are good at and you love and you can and want to make a career out of. That thing that makes all this schooling worth it and necessary. I have not found it and I'm discouraged I never will, that I will keep going to college, wasting money on GEs and random electives, never finding that thing that I can take with me into the real world.
Am I destined to go to work everyday to a job that has no real meaning? No love or enjoyment? No chance to make a difference because I am not particularly good at anything?
And as for the 'love and family of my own' bit....Life is not a chick flick. If I ever find someone out there that loves me then he will be "THE ONE". Some fairy tale.
If anyone reads this, I'm sorry its not up-beat, cute and funny like girls my age, and therefore their writings, are supposed to be. Sorry I am not everything you all want me to be: happy young adult, hardworking student, spiritual giant, workaholic, social butterfly, genius, flirty, mature, happy-go-lucky, people-pleaser, independent, beautiful, skinny, cheerful, out-going....etc. etc. etc.
I'm sorry that all I am is moody and lazy, fat, zit-covered, scared, awkward, indecisive, shy, unhappy, unmotivated, messy and so many other things. I try sometimes to be the girl you all "know I can be". But sometimes it is all too much. And then that other thing I am not supposed to be comes to the surface: quitter. I quit it all. I quit trying to be the great and magnificent potential being that is who I am supposed to be. But then all I am is a quitter.
Nobody likes a quitter.
I just want to be myself but I can't find her to let her out. She needs to take over. The real and true me needs to fight her way through all the disappointments and failures, through the lakes of emotions and river rapids of falsehoods. She needs to dispose of this shell, break free and show the world that I am a real person, someone worth knowing and maybe even loving. Someone who knows who she is and where she stands.
I have to find her. I cannot give up. No matter how hard or long. I need her. And she needs me right?
So why does she hide
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Country Music Dreaming
CMA Awards!!! I love Country Music! Lady Antebellum. Kenny Chesney. Miranda Lambert. Brad Paisley. Carrie Underwood. Kieth Urban. The Band Perry. On and on! I love them <3
As I watch The Zac Brown Band perform I close my eyes and fantasize...
I'm swaying to their cool blues song to Georgia. I'm there. In the good seats no less. The ManofMyDreams brought me. He is sitting next to me, smiling as I grab his hand. He doesn't get embarrassed when I can't keep the lyrics inside my head and they float through my permanent smile. I can't sit still no matter what. I'm swaying and tapping my foot. He laughs at me softly, amused and happy at how in love I am with it all. I see and hear them in real life. The music washes over, through, around me and pours into my soul. I laugh out loud with the audience at Carrie and Brad's jokes, sit in silent emotion through 'You and Tequila', and cheer for all of them like I know them personally.
While I'm daydreaming....I get to meet them all. I meet Sugarland, Lady A, and the Perrys. I meet Kenny, give him a kiss on the cheek while trying to hide the fact that I am swooning inside. Reba, my ultimate superwoman role model, gives me a quick hug. And....Chris Young, no wait...isn't he the ManofMyDreams that brought me here? :) We give Tim and Faith a smile and wave from across the aisle. It's amazing. A perfect night.
If Only :)
Reality: I'm sitting here wearing a too-big t-shirt and Star Wars pajama pants, wrapped up in my favorite blanket (ragged green with NFL all over). I'm sitting on the floor in the guest room by myself, out of the way of the rest of the household that doesn't appreciate Country like I do. My hair is a mess falling out of a braid. I'm eating Dad's homemade cherry bread. I'm typing this during the adds. I don't sit still for one minute. I sing along, laugh out loud, cry my eyes out as Martina sings 'Love You Through It.' I traded shifts so I could watch this tonight and I am not disappointed.
This is Country Music and I love it.
As I watch The Zac Brown Band perform I close my eyes and fantasize...
I'm swaying to their cool blues song to Georgia. I'm there. In the good seats no less. The ManofMyDreams brought me. He is sitting next to me, smiling as I grab his hand. He doesn't get embarrassed when I can't keep the lyrics inside my head and they float through my permanent smile. I can't sit still no matter what. I'm swaying and tapping my foot. He laughs at me softly, amused and happy at how in love I am with it all. I see and hear them in real life. The music washes over, through, around me and pours into my soul. I laugh out loud with the audience at Carrie and Brad's jokes, sit in silent emotion through 'You and Tequila', and cheer for all of them like I know them personally.
While I'm daydreaming....I get to meet them all. I meet Sugarland, Lady A, and the Perrys. I meet Kenny, give him a kiss on the cheek while trying to hide the fact that I am swooning inside. Reba, my ultimate superwoman role model, gives me a quick hug. And....Chris Young, no wait...isn't he the ManofMyDreams that brought me here? :) We give Tim and Faith a smile and wave from across the aisle. It's amazing. A perfect night.
If Only :)
Reality: I'm sitting here wearing a too-big t-shirt and Star Wars pajama pants, wrapped up in my favorite blanket (ragged green with NFL all over). I'm sitting on the floor in the guest room by myself, out of the way of the rest of the household that doesn't appreciate Country like I do. My hair is a mess falling out of a braid. I'm eating Dad's homemade cherry bread. I'm typing this during the adds. I don't sit still for one minute. I sing along, laugh out loud, cry my eyes out as Martina sings 'Love You Through It.' I traded shifts so I could watch this tonight and I am not disappointed.
This is Country Music and I love it.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Human/Humane
Humans have a great potential. A huge potential for the greatest good there can be...and also for the ugliest evil. We are the responsible beasts. The ones who do control this Earth. This Earth that is inhabited by billions. What do we let happen?
"Evil prospers when good men do nothing."
Why are the mean, controlling, hurtful and, yes, even evil people always the ones with enough commitment and bravery to fight for what they want?
I learned something today in class that got me thinking about the state of the world. The Humane Society focuses on Animal Welfare. They set up shelters for homeless pets, find them loving homes, all because they care about the animals. However, The Humane Society of the United States is a completely different story. Using confusion around their name they bring in millions of donations every year to "support Animal Rights." While their corporate employees live off of good peoples' donations, the HSUS euthanize thousands of animals to cut costs.
Right now you are thinking this is nothing compared to the war, starvation, genocide, etc. in the world. Maybe it isn't. But what I see is a company with no morals or ethical value stealing money from people who are only trying to support animal shelters to support their high living in a scheme. I see a company preying on whats left of human decency to make a buck. And I see them being supported.
What I see makes me sick.
What can I do?
What can one person do? I am not rich, I don't have money to throw into the good organizations. I am not famous. I don't have connections to use to bring the bad things into the light where they can be defeated.
I have no weapons against injustice, crime, war, starvation, genocide, slavery, death. Who does?
But
maybe
I
can
make
a
difference
in
myself.
I don't have to be like them. I can do my best to support love, kindness, tolerance, understanding, selflessness. Can you imagine a world where more people focused on being nice than on what they have to gain?
Imagine.
Maybe I cannot defeat the evils that poke at us all from the dark. Maybe no one can. But I can make sure they take no place in my life. They might touch my life, brush against my existence and make me despair for the world. But I will take no part in anything that hurts someone else. No matter who they are. We are all children of God and deserve better than how we treat each other.
"Evil prospers when good men do nothing."
Why are the mean, controlling, hurtful and, yes, even evil people always the ones with enough commitment and bravery to fight for what they want?
I learned something today in class that got me thinking about the state of the world. The Humane Society focuses on Animal Welfare. They set up shelters for homeless pets, find them loving homes, all because they care about the animals. However, The Humane Society of the United States is a completely different story. Using confusion around their name they bring in millions of donations every year to "support Animal Rights." While their corporate employees live off of good peoples' donations, the HSUS euthanize thousands of animals to cut costs.
Right now you are thinking this is nothing compared to the war, starvation, genocide, etc. in the world. Maybe it isn't. But what I see is a company with no morals or ethical value stealing money from people who are only trying to support animal shelters to support their high living in a scheme. I see a company preying on whats left of human decency to make a buck. And I see them being supported.
What I see makes me sick.
What can I do?
What can one person do? I am not rich, I don't have money to throw into the good organizations. I am not famous. I don't have connections to use to bring the bad things into the light where they can be defeated.
I have no weapons against injustice, crime, war, starvation, genocide, slavery, death. Who does?
But
maybe
I
can
make
a
difference
in
myself.
I don't have to be like them. I can do my best to support love, kindness, tolerance, understanding, selflessness. Can you imagine a world where more people focused on being nice than on what they have to gain?
Imagine.
Maybe I cannot defeat the evils that poke at us all from the dark. Maybe no one can. But I can make sure they take no place in my life. They might touch my life, brush against my existence and make me despair for the world. But I will take no part in anything that hurts someone else. No matter who they are. We are all children of God and deserve better than how we treat each other.
Friday, November 4, 2011
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