Plans

     I'M GOING TO BON JOVI!!!!!!!
Yep. Friendless, loner me finally found someone who likes Bon Jovi enough to go to the concert with me! (I was seriously getting a little worried I'd end up going alone and get lost in SLC and get in a car wreck and miss the whole thing and die crying.) Thank you Liz! I cannot wait. I am going to rock my heart out, get high on his voice, and spend entirely too much money on ridiculous keepsakes.

I am so serious. Going to a Bon Jovi concert is on my Bucket List, and he ain't getting any younger. Gotta live while you're alive, right?

I've actually been making quite a few plans lately. I know, amazing. Like a few days ago Ash and I decided that we are going on a roadtrip tomorrow. It's Spring Break, we didn't have any plans, we kinda have a car; it's meant to be. What's the plan? Well we are leaving at 6 tomorrow morning (Ash is so driving then, I plan on not actually waking up, just sleep-walking to the car) and going somewhere so exciting. Can you smell the sarcasm? But actually I really am excited, mostly because I just really like roadtrips and Ash has good taste in music and the car has a CD player. But ya, it'll be fun. 843 miles in less than 2 days (Ash has to get back for work the next day) If we survive I will tell you all about it. We're basically just hitting some random tourist spots that are not that far away but we have for some reason never been to. (isn't it funny how I've been to Mexico, Hawaii, Alaska...but I've never been to the Grand Canyon? Or Yellowstone? eh.) Oh and we aren't going to either of those. Think lesser. Like Mesa Verde and Four Corners. Ya, now you're laughing at me for being so excited. Go ahead. Next month I'm moving back to Alaska, so HA.

Oh and that's the next plan. I'm moving back to Skagway at the end of April. Same job and house as last summer. Some new people, a couple I know from before. I'm not staying as long as last time though, I'm coming back in time for fall semester. (My Mother seems to think I need something called an 'education'...?) Which brings us to the next plans...

I just registered for fall semester, the 3 generals I still need for my Associates of Arts and I threw Interior Design in there for kicks and giggles, and something else I can't remember. I hate it how you have to register so far ahead. I mean seriously? Do you know how many times I am going to change my mind about the direction of my life in-between now and then? I mean right now Interior Design sounds kind of interesting, but by then I might be like, "Colors? Houses? What the...Why?" Mom's just crossing her fingers that I actually graduate soon. (I think she's getting ready to disown me if I take much longer to get just an Associates...should we test it?)

Anyways, I'll be back here in August. And I'm just so glad I won't have to miss that best-of-summer-in-the-desert-month. So glad.

So now I just need to plan in some plans that let me hang out with the people I'm going to miss this summer before I go.

I guess as long as you're still making plans you're still alive right? And planning fun things isn't bad at all.

In the sea of monotony you just gotta keep an eye out for that one slick airbus that comes around occasionally.

You Are A Daffodil

   
      A year or so ago, well make that 2 years? Eh, something like that, I was asked to give the lesson in Relief Society in my student ward. We had 9:00 church and Relief Society was first and our ward was very small, which means a very small class to teach. I had taught a couple times before and only had 4 girls show up so it wasn't too nerve racking. This time I got to choose my own subject. I thought about what I needed to teach and it wasn't long before I came up with Self-Worth. Only a couple months before when I was visiting my home ward they had had a really good lesson on being happy with yourself/seeing yourself as God sees you/not comparing your faults to others' strengths and so on. This subject is touched upon in R.S. often, but the thing is it seems to only ever come from the R.S. President or some other woman, who, to us on the outside, seems to have no faults whatsoever and always be sunny and cheerful, skinny and gorgeous, perfect loving husband and children, etc. etc. And I know that each and every one of us struggles with self-esteem and confidence no matter the outward appearance, but I thought that it might mean more if the teacher of this most needed subject was a little less perfect, a little less skinny and perfectly made-up, a little less confident. A little more like me.

     So, I researched and studied for a month to prepare my lesson. I was nervous, of course, but also excited because I felt I had put together a pretty good lesson. I made cutesy hand-outs of my favorite quotes I'd discovered and brought them in a little basket for passing around. I was ready. I got to church and as usual there were only 2 or 3 people in the classroom, which was fine by me, but then Bishop decided with so few people we might as well combine classes...so in file the brethren...at least 25 of them. Then we got to decide who was teaching the lesson...there was absolutely no way in heck I was gonna stand up in front of a bunch of guys and teach a very female minded lesson on self-worth and esteem. No way. So I sat there in that little room with all those men and never gave my lesson. And I know that the biggest reason why I planned it was for me. I needed to hear those messages.

     I never got a chance to give that lesson and I've always kind of regretted it, so I've decided to share it with you. It can't help anyone sitting in a folder. So here it is:

Base Your Self-Worth On God's Love

This is something I have struggled with often and I'm sure some, if not all, of you have too, at some time or another. A great resource to me has been a talk given in October 2005 by Jeffrey R. Holland entitled 'To Young Women.' He takes the time to remind us to be women of Christ and that the world needs us. 

He says:

"First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny. That surpassing truth should be fixed deep in your soul and be fundamental to every decision you make as you grow into mature womanhood. There could never be a greater authentication of your dignity, your worth, your privileges and your promise. Your Father in Heaven knows your name and knows your circumstance. He hears your prayers. He knows your hopes and dreams, including your fears and frustrations. And He knows what you can become through faith in Him. Because of this divine heritage you, along with all of your spiritual sisters and brothers, have full equality in His sight..."

To have a real knowledge of our personal worth we must understand fully and never forget that we are His. God loves us. Individually. Unconditionally. Completely.

Elder Holland continues:

"In this same vein may I address an even more sensitive subject. I plead with you young women to please be more accepting of yourselves, including your body shape and style, with a little less longing to look like someone else. We are all different. Some are tall, and some are short. Some are round, and some are thin. And almost everyone at some time or other wants to be something they are not! But as one adviser to teenage girls said: 'You can't live your life worrying that the world is staring at you. When you let people's opinions make you self-conscious you give away your power. ...The key to feeling [confident] is to always listen to your inner self--[the real you.]' And in the kingdom of God, the real you is 'more precious than rubies.' Every young woman is a child of destiny and every adult woman a powerful force for good.

...Frankly, the world has been brutal with you in this regard. You are bombarded in movies, television, fashion magazines, and advertisements with the message that looks are everything! The pitch is, 'If your looks are good enough, your life will be glamorous and you will be happy and popular.' That kind of pressure is immense in the teenage years, to say nothing of later womanhood. ...One would truly need a great and spacious makeup kit to compete with beauty as portrayed in media all around us. ...A woman not of our faith once wrote something to the effect that in her years of working with beautiful women she had seen several things they all had in common, and not one of them had anything to do with sizes and shapes. She said the loveliest women she had known had a glow of health, a warm personality, a love of learning, stability of character, and integrity. If we may add the sweet and gentle Spirit of the Lord carried by such a woman, then this describes the loveliness of women in any age or time, every element of which is emphasized in and attainable through the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ."

The key to feeling good about yourself and being happy is focusing on these traits, the ones that are always within your reach. The world's views are fickle, always changing, and you can never reach them. But, 'God looketh on the heart.'

Why should we strive to make God's Love the foundation of our personal worth?

God's Love is:
Constant
Unconditional
Pure
Without Bounds
Endless
Given to Each of Us Equally

The World's Love is:
Fickle
Ever-Changing
Temporary
Incomplete
Fake
Lustful
Shallow


Jeffrey C. Jacob wrote an article in the January 1991 Ensign called 'Why Aren't I Happy?' He wrote this article when I was not even a year old, yet it seems to have been written for me. Jacob addresses losing and finding personal worth. He writes:

"While I have observed a close connection between living the gospel in its fullness and feeling a sense of personal worth, I also recognize that losing and then trying to regain self-esteem is a universal human problem. As infants, most of us experience unconditional love from our parents. But as we gain the capacity for independent action, we intrude into the world of our elders--and almost inevitably encounter 'conditional goodwill.' We find that if we behave 'properly' (learn to use the bathroom, get along with siblings, and keep a tidy room), our original sense of acceptance is reconfirmed. At the same time, we learn that if our behavior or our temperament does not match what is expected of us, we receive disapproval and reprimands. These cause us to lose our unquestioned sense of personal worth.

...This seemingly inevitable loss of at least part of our self-esteem can be intensified during our school years. Only a few of us measure up to all our school's academic and behavioral standards. Our successes  fortify us, but the failures, inconsequential as well as critical ones, continue to undermine our struggle to attain a positive self-image. Adolescence both relieves and compounds the problem: sports and the arts provide additional creative outlets, but peer pressure lends approval to only a narrow range of talent--leaving many youth feeling inadequate.

...One of the central tasks of young adulthood is to rebuild the sense of self-worth we felt as young children. Unfortunately, many of our efforts to rebuild self-esteem follow the world's criteria instead of gospel principles, so they ultimately fail, leaving us feeling even more insecure.

...The gospel offers help to those who feel trapped by personal inadequacy and the day-to-day problems of living in harmony with the Spirit of the Lord. ...Many think that the Lord has rejected them because of their doubts and fears and that he cannot fully accept them since they have yet to conquer their problems.

...As I have witnessed fellow ward members passing through the anguish of both imagined and real separation from God, I have come to believe that they are transferring the conditional approval they have become so accustomed to in this world to the character of our Father in Heaven.

...Many of us feel alone as we attempt to overcome life's small frustrations and major disappointments. Of course, most of us can say that we know God loves his children. We can bear testimony to the principles of the gospel and the inspiration of our leaders. Yet it seems most difficult to feel that the Lord loves us personally and profoundly and that he acts upon that love to bless us, even in the seemingly insignificant details of our lives. But if we knew that he does, wouldn't our self-esteem blossom? Wouldn't we find this love to be a powerful motivator to help us overcome the weaknesses that trouble us?"

"How can we come to be filled with the self-esteem that  follows a testimony that our Father loves each of us in a profound, personal way?"

Jacob lists three simple, but essential, steps in the process of making the Lord and His love the basis of your sense of worth and self-evaluation.

1. Prayer. Pray for the gift of God's love in your life. Kneel before your Heavenly Father in sincere prayer and directly but humbly ask Him to let you know that He knows and cares about you.

2. Scripture Study. Carefully and prayerfully search the scriptures for manifestations of Heavenly Father's love. Read not to meet a schedule or master a set of principles, read to see God's compassion in action. As you draw nearer to God through His love, your burdens will lighten and temptations fade.

3. Self-Reflection. Jacob states: "Still, for some, the words 'My Savior loves me and has suffered for my sins and weaknesses' remain empty because they do not yet feel that God loves them personally. ...I find it helpful to ask that they examine their lives closely to see if they can find in them the influence of a loving Father. Remarkably, even the most frustrated and desperate are able to see the hand of the Lord in their lives. They see how Heavenly Father has nurtured them along their life's journey toward peace and forgiveness."

Jacob leaves us with this:

"When we start to discover the Christ-centered roots of self-worth, we begin to see a more complete picture of our Heavenly Father. If we continually transfer the world's penchant for conditional acceptance to the character of God, we are likely to overemphasize his justice, missing his tender mercy altogether. The justice of God will condemn us in our sins and imperfections, but if we see only this side of our Father in Heaven's personality, we will find it difficult to break the cycles of low self-esteem and despair. On the other hand, if we balance God's justice with his mercy and pure love, we can start to claim what has always been our divine inheritance: the firm confidence that we are of worth and are watched over with care.

...When a person gains this insight and renews it daily through study and prayer, he or she can experience a dramatic change of perspective. Circumstances may not change appreciably, but the ability to cope with the frustrations and disappointments of everyday life and to endure to the end becomes significantly enlarged. By asking Heavenly Father for the sustaining power of his love, a person can regain the sense of heavenly self-worth that inevitably fades through mortal experience."


God's Love is louder than Doubt, Failures, Uncertainty, Depression.
God's Love is louder than the World's roar.
Just listen.


As the snow thaws and the trees start to bud, I can't help but think of Daffodils. Daffodils are one of my favorite flowers. They aren't classy like a red Rose or particularly timeless like the Daisy. They are bright, cheerful, spunky, and hardy. They are the first to push up through the frozen ground. They get snowed on, picked on by hungry animals, and frost bitten. But, they continue to grow. It's in their nature, their DNA. It's just what they do. Well who are we? What's in our nature? Where does our 'DNA' come from? Are we not children of God?

I believe that we can survive and grow through any trial that comes our way. We can live our lives with the confidence that we are children of God, a Heavenly Father who loves and cares for each of us individually. If we can just base our sense of personal worth on God's pure love, every day will be brighter, the Spring will come, and we will blossom more beautifully than we could have ever imagined.

*Both of the quoted articles can be found in their entirety at lds.org*

   

When Tomorrow Comes

     Do you hear the people sing? Who does not love Les Mis?! Well Ash and I for sure do :) And we're pretty dorky, you know, so this is what we made before watching our new Les Miserables DVD tonight:

To the Barricades!

     Why yes that would be Enjolras waving his French flag atop a marshmallow popcorn barricade. Told you we are dorks. I am even dorkier, I thought we should make red crepes and calzones for dinner. You are thinking, Calzones? Not French. That may be, but they are the exact shape of Javert's hat :) Totally on theme.

      What is it about Les Mis that reaches so many people? It's about a bunch of miserable people, most of whom die within the length of the musical. There is so much truth in it. The characters are so real. And the music, oh the music. The music conveys each emotion in so much more depth than just words. That is how it touches us.

     Ash and I grew up on the music, we had the highlights CD from the Broadway cast and also watched the performance highlights movie. We fell in love with Enjolras and lived every heart-wrenching moment with Eponine. We made fun of Marius together and wrote off Cosette as the spoiled pampered girl, not near as cool  as the tough, take-care-of-herself Eponine. The first time we got to see the actual musical it was a high school production, abridged with an awful orchestra and amazing leads. After a bit you learned to tune out the screeching strings and horribly off-key brass section and focus only on the vocals. It was incredible. Then this past fall we got to see it real, at SUU. Wow. And now the movie.

     If you're not planning on watching the movie at least watch the scene where Marius sings 'Empty Chairs at Empty Tables'. Marius is that character that's easy to make fun of. He falls in love at first sight, sings cheesily about love while his comrades prepare for the fight and is a rich schoolboy. Fickle Marius, no one cares about your lonely soul. But then he changes, the fight at the barricade makes him grow up, sobers him. When he stands there, where their plans began, and sings about his fallen friends, asking their forgiveness for not dying with them...that scene is incredible. For a moment he looks directly into the camera, tears in his eyes, and sings right to you. Not only is the actor incredible but the filming too. Usually actors avoid looking straight at the camera, it acknowledges the presence of the equipment and therefore breaks the illusion that what's going on the scene is not staged, it's really happening. This time, however, that brave gaze only adds to the emotion, pulling the audience right into his world. His tear-filled eyes don't gaze in your general direction or look through you, he sees you. You become one of the fallen he sings to. Marius asks your forgiveness. The emotion in this simple scene, one room with one man, is incredible.

     It's obvious I've only taken one film class but it has made me notice more. Especially camera angles and I love how they utilize every angle in this movie. Everything about it adds to the emotion. The movie is beautifully done. Some of the actors are better than others but overall I thought they were all good. I see many, many viewings of this movie in my future. And more posts as well. You heard from the artsy side of me this time, the next the sociology major may take over.  

'Will you join in our crusade?

Who will be strong and stand with me?

Somewhere beyond the barricade is there a world you want to see?

Do you hear the people sing?

Do you hear the distant drums?

It is the future that they bring when tomorrow comes!'

The Earth Without Art is Just 'Eh'

I have discovered Marcia Baldwin. She's amazing. I spent about an hour looking at her paintings on her blog. Check it out:
mbaldwinfineart.blogspot.com

She makes me want to draw and paint again. Her use of colors is amazing, especially with the blue roans.  I love it.