SeeSaw

I'm on a seesaw. Have been for the last few days. (Also I don't call them seesaws...but how the heck do you spell teeter-totter? like that? or how you say it like teety-totter? Either way its just a weird word.) Anyways, up and down. Up and down. UP....and back down.

I got a job offer. Out of the blue. Which made me freak out because I don't like 'out of the blue'. Even when it's a good thing, or even something amazing, 'out of the blue' just freaks me out.

So apparently I start tomorrow. I'm sitting here trying to read through all the many pages of my New Employee Packet and panicking.

I don't think I want to do it.

But people keep telling me it would be rewarding and I'd be good at it and I already told them I could start Monday but technically I haven't even applied yet and they really need someone fast because they are short and I feel obligated to do it.

It's a job that fell into my lap when I'm looking for a second job. It pays more than I make right now, not much but more. It doesn't include cooking french fries.

I should be excited right? Super grateful and all that?

I'm terrified. And having panic attacks.

And for no good reason.

Except that my self-confidence is lower than almost ever right now. (which is pretty darn low considering I don't often have any)

So I don't know if I'm just having a low self-esteem fueled freak-out session or if I really don't want to/shouldn't do this.

Every other hour I'm either feeling calm and 'I can do this' and 'it's just for the next 3 months it's not like I'm committing my life to this job'...And then the frenzied 'I can't I can't's and 'I'm not patient/good/everything enough' and 'Nope its not what I planned, I don't want to' sets in...

It's a seesaw. And I need the burly man/woman/bear across from me to either plant their mass against the gravel or jump the heck off.

Get me off this thing and tell me what to do!

Please.